Who I am, who I appear

Where I amimage

Yesterday I went out to spend a day with one of my friends. I was rushing around trying to sort things out and to get ready at the same time, as I am used to do. A lot of thoughts were coming into my mind and, even if I put also music on, I managed to listen to them with a little bit of awareness. In this big and quick flow one thought was noisier than the others: “Is my appearance good enough?”. Trying clothes on and make up and combing my hair that was what my mind was saying. Same thing when I was walking on the road mirroring myself in the cars, trying to figure out if my shoes were matching with the rest of the outfit. I rushed to not miss the train, and finally, in front of the track 2, I realised my earring was lost. No way to find it again.

This event was a little shock for me, not only because of the earring itself but because I was actually loosing something else: my presence in that current moment. And why was that? Because I was following useless concerns, wasting time and energies.

Oxford Street

I reached Oxford Street underground station in time for the appointment. As my friend was a bit late I started having a look around in the big shops there. It was not my first time in that place but in some ways it was: I think my state of mind was different and I just aknowledged things I haven’t seen before. Like the mannequins in H&M: all slim, long lashes, long red straight hair, cool outfits. All of them were also positioned on the higher level than the costumers. We don’t need to have a degree to understand the message behind that arrangement, but still, even aknowledging it, it’s not that easy to escape from the feeling of being not enough good looking or well dressed. And of course the next step would be to spend money in that shop just to compensate that sense of inadequacy. Going around in Oxford Street for me was like being bombarded by “you need to be”. But of course an advertisement cannot change our inner nature, it can just continuosely suggest to wear this or that kind of masque, or make up, or outfit, or lifestyle. And of course it makes people being more and more focused on their appearance.

To be vs to be in their eyes

I had a lovely time that day and I enjoyed a lot. But in some moments I needed to be very careful with my thoughts and to have very clear in my mind who I was. Because it was not for me to behave like Carrie Bradshaw in “Sex and the City”and even if those things were sparkling I needed to remember I was sparkling more. I bought something but thinking if those things could really give me more benefits other than another object and less space at home.

I am still training myself to put me first and to consider my opinions as priorities over the external judgments. It means the next time I will try to mirror myself at home just as long I am feeling satisfied with what I see and stop. Maybe the next time I will think about my projects on the way to the station, or maybe I will just admire the beauty I have around. Maybe I will feel my hearing is falling down, I won’t rush on myself, I will remember to wear a smile longer. Anyway it’s not the end of the world if to learn lessons you find yourself with just one earring, someone said it’s also very trendy.

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