When something dies, it is complicated.
First, there is an empty space in the middle of all your things, like a black rose in the middle of a field of daisies. You don’t know what to do with it, if to accept it or to fill it as soon as possible, before that black hole can suck all the rest of your life in.
Maybe not all your life, just those useless things to which you have been attached for such a long time.
Anyway, it is a big effort to make up your mind about it and to carry on. Especially when it comes to relationships.
When I ended my first “love” story there was an image coming into my mind: me burying the corpse of a small child, which was the symbol of my bond with that boy.
I vividly remember all the feelings I had inside, that sense of confusion and sadness, worsen by the fact I could not speak with anyone about it that time.
And there was something else I needed to manage: to be judged.
Not just the first one, but all the men I dealt with were all strangely convinced I was an angel, full of compassion and sympathy, sweet and lovely. Which I actually am. However, the moment there was something of them or of our relationship I could not accept or deal with, and they were not even in the mental state of changing, there it was their judgment.
From the beautiful creature of light, I suddenly became the evil witch in their eyes. “Speaking too much”, expressing my feelings and my complexity, even meditating were not good and not worth of love.
Because there was not love.
I realised people often use this double standards, considering something good until is convenient for them or until they feel they can cope with it. When it is requested to deal with something a little bit out of their comfort zone, then the soap bubble explodes.
And the white turns into black.
I think realising the limitations of those relationships and analysing the reason why they ended, gave me a huge strength: I decided someone else can be those poor angels in chains. I am free like the wind, either gentle like the breeze or destructive like an hurricane.
No one can put me in chains anymore. And my love will go to who will accept both the angel and the witch.
Sending you love.